Ten Thousand Washrags

I once heard that Jean Shepherd had written some kind of fantasy story or script involving Sade and washrags.  I have never seen or heard the story.  But it did inspire me to write this four years ago - and this week, I've touched it up a bit. 

I once had a Vic and Sade fantasy site and this was there.  I hope you enjoy it.

Ten Thousand Washrags
 - by Jimbo

Announcer:  Well sir, it's late afternoon now at the small house halfway up the next block now and we see here in the living room, young Mister Rush Gook, sprawled on the floor and within arms' length of an algebra book; he's toying with the rubber end of his yellow pencil and  looking at it with wonder and a delightful puzzlement.  He immediately stops this activity when he hears the slamming of the back door and the call of his name...

SADE:  [from the kitchen, excited]  Willie?  Son?  You home?

RUSH:  [yelling to the kitchen] Yeah!  In here.

SADE:  [approaching, out of breath]   Your father's not too far behind me.  He stopped to talk to Ike Kneesuffer.

RUSH:  Prob'ly talkin' about fuels and combustion.

SADE:  Combustion?

RUSH:  Yeah.  Ya know, mixin' fuels for cars.  Crazy why they'd wanna blow themselves up like that; bet we're gonna find little bitty pieces of Mr. Kneesuffer and Gov all over Virginia Aven...

SADE:  Guess what?

RUSH:  Um.

SADE:  Guess what I got in the mail today?

RUSH:  Uhh... Big blue envelope from lodge headquarters?

SADE:  Ish.  No, and can't tell you now anyway.  I will wait until your father gets in here.  Where is he?

RUSH:  Out talkin' about combustion fuels, most probably.  Say mom, um, did you get a blonde wig?

SADE:  [beside herself] A blonde wig?  [giggles] Heavens no.

RUSH:  But,  you're excited, mom...

SADE:  Yes!

RUSH: [laughs]  If It's not a wig...

SADE:  Well, I'll tell you this much... I have a chance to receive ten thousand washrags!

RUSH: [astonished] Gosh!  Ten thousand washrags? [laughs]

SADE: And all it will cost me is ten washrags.

RUSH: Ha!  If you say so.  You and the other Thimble Club ladies gonna wear gorilla masks and  knock over Yamilton's on a ravagin' washrag spree, promiscuous...

[back door slams]

SADE: [excited] Oh there he is!

VIC:  [from in the kitchen] Hi duh hi, ho duh ho.... did a woman, thinly veiled and greatly agitated come through here, gyrating her way around my library table, asking for Mister Victor R. Gook?

RUSH:  Gov's in high spirits.   [to Vic] Hello!

VIC:  Is that daddy's little boy?  Of course I am in high spirits.  I have a fine son, a woman who loves me and...

SADE:  Guess what, Vic?

VIC:  You've been arrested and I must raise the bail by selling Margaret's Third Lieutenant Stanley book collection?  [laughs]

RUSH:  Ya better not.  I haven't yet finished, "Third Lieutenant Stanley and the Counterfeiting Counterfeiters" yet.

VIC:  Counterfeiting Counterfeiters?  Hand me that newspaper, Ralph.

RUSH:  Yep, there's a lot of counterfeiting going on in that one.  Ya see, Third Lieut...

SADE: Vic, I got a chance to receive ten thousand washrags!

VIC: [slowly/astonished] Hi-duh-hi, ho-dee-ho.  That's considerable washrags.  [normal] Is Ceilia here so dirty that you have to abscond with Yamilton's entire washrag collection?

SADE: See, I received this letter in the mail today.  It's here somewhere... Willie, go check and see if it's on top of the bureau for me.

RUSH:  Okay.

SADE:  It's a large, pale-green envelope.

RUSH:  Okay.

[pause]

SADE:  [to Rush] See it?

RUSH:  [away] Uh huh.

SADE:  [excited] Imagine, ten thousand washrags!

VIC: [Yawns]  Yeah.  You got a spot for 'em?

RUSH:  [entering] Here you go.

SADE:  Just listen to this.  Vic, put your newspaper aside.

VIC:  I'm listenin'.

SADE:  I see where you have an article there where you can see it.  Put the newspaper on the floor.

VIC: [laughs]  Gosh, kiddo...

SADE:  [to Rush]  You got studying to do?

RUSH:  Yeah but...

SADE:  [sternly]  Study.

RUSH:  Um.

SADE:  Well, listen to this first, then study.

RUSH:  Can't I just study?

SADE:  No, listen to this first.

RUSH:  Um.

SADE:  Okay, everybody ready? 

RUSH: Um.

SADE:  [sternly] Vic, put that newspaper on the floor!

VIC:  [whining] Gosh...

SADE: Getting you boys to pay attention is like pulling rice.  You're both so stubborn.  Stubborn as a fox.

VIC and RUSH:  Um.

SADE:  [Reading] Dear Friend, Wasn't it the poet Percy By... Shelley who said, I met a traveller from an antique land who said... ummm... Two vast and trunkless legs of stone Stand in the desart...

RUSH: [Quietly to Vic]  I learned that in the 7th grade.

VIC:  [Quietly to Rush]  Whoopee.

SADE: You two gonna listen?

VIC and RUSH:  Um.

SADE:  Anyway, gonna skip that poem stuff... [Reading] A friend has sent you this letter and washrag [to Vic]  See, here's the washrag...

VIC and RUSH:  Um.

SADE: [Reading] And we would like to put you in line to receive as many as ten thousand washrags.  All you need to do is send one washrag to 10 friends along with a copy of this same letter...

RUSH: Mom...

SADE: Don't interupt.

Mom.  Wait.

SADE: [upset] What's all this now?

RUSH:  Sorry mom, but Gov, isn't this like a chain letter?

VIC:  Nope.  It's not like a chain letter, it is a chain letter.

RUSH: [laughs]

SADE: Oh, come on...

VIC:  Well, you can do what you want Doctor Sleech, but this letter you have received smells a bit like mail fraud.

SADE:  [astonished]  Mail fraud?

VIC:  There's a very stiff penalty for such actions, Sadie...

RUSH:  My mom, the wire-criminal!

SADE:  [to Rush] Study!

RUSH:  Um.

SADE:  Vic, I'm not really in any trouble, am I?

VIC:  Well, no.  All you did is receive a letter.  You didn't mail off any washrags or benefit in any way...  except you did get a wash rag and you had thoughts of sending out ten crisp letters to your unsuspecting friends, I gather?

SADE:  Well, yes, until I realized that this is...

VIC:  Well, technically, that's suspicion and a conspiracy to commit mail fraud, isn't it?

SADE: I...

RUSH:  Sounds like it to me, Gov.  [laughs]

SADE:  [to Rush] Study!  [to Vic]  What should I do?

VIC:  Nothin'.

SADE:  Nothin'?

VIC:  Nothin'.  Kiddo, stuff like this prob'ly happens a hundred times just in this city alone.  Every day.  Or every other day at least. Some people, the more uninformed person, falls for it and some people, the ummm... more informed person, don't.

SADE:  So, you sayin' I'm uneducated?

VIC:  Well... ummm, no.  All I'm sayin' is...

RUSH:  Mom got duped.

VIC: You hit the nail on the head, Buttercup.

SADE:  [to Rush] You...study!  I'm going upstairs.  I had some washrags set out that I have put back.

[sound of Sade going up the stairs]

RUSH:  Gov, you ever fall for a chain letter?

VIC:  Sure.  'Twas a cigar chain letter it 'twas.  I had stogies comin' out of every pocket in my suit and shirt!  I smoked and smoked and smoked and smoked, until I couldn't smoke any-THE- more.

RUSH:  Ridiculous.

VIC:  Preposterous.

RUSH:  Absurd.

VIC:  Ludicrous.

RUSH:  Uhhh...

VIC:  Laughable, comical, asinine...

RUSH:  Stupid.

VIC:  Insipid.

RUSH:  Unwise. 

VIC:  Irrational.

RUSH: Yeah.

VIC:  [coughs]  Ten thousand washrags.  My, my. [chuckles]

RUSH:  [chuckles]

VIC:  [Laughs]

RUSH:  [Laughs]

ANNOUNCER: And this will include our short trip to that small house halfway up the next block.